A different future
author By Emilie Leeks,

Lord but I am tired. I had planned a full hour of work this evening, once the kids were finally asleep. But instead I'm here at my desk, writing by the half light of the computer monitor, watching the words flow from my pen onto the page. I haven't written like this for a while. I've written some useful stuff, some pieces meatier than others, but the flow hasn't been there - something has been keeping me back.

After our miscarriage a few weeks back, I've done what I can to keep moving forwards. Our first miscarriage this year also feels all too fresh still. I've sat with and through intense bouts of sadness and anger and longing. I have drifted with the vision of a future now so different to the one I thought - hoped - it was going to be. I have laughed and played and cried with my 3 beautiful earth babies, and with my outstanding other half. I've thrown myself, behind the scenes, into the work that lights me up. But the front-of-house persona has been notably - and understandably - absent.

Miscarriage different future JiP meme

But I thought we were doing ok. I thought that we were pushing on through. It's not like we hadn't talked and cried about it, and we both have amazing Listening Partnerships we can take these things to as well. And then in these last 2 days: the real, concrete realisation, the truth, that this baby too, is gone from us. I feel as if a hand is squeezing my throat, my teeth are clenched, my breath becomes shallow, my eyes begin to tear up - it can catch me any time. Any time.

More hurt, hidden stuff, bubbles up. There's support from my ever loving, ever listening husband. Sweet sweet solace from the hugs from my babies, my children, even whilst they are hurting too. Two intense cries. And of course it's still there - the crushing weight of this loss. Still there, but now it's nearer the surface, not stuffed away to enable me to focus on life's relentless chatter. Now I can really feel it, I can be with it. Where it will take me now, I don't know. But I do know this - I am not going to get any work done anytime soon. And that is just how it needs to be.

With love.

ivy linnet walk bw

A word or two about Journeys in Parenting: a blog about our experiences on the path of peaceful parenting…

We are a family of 5, living in Berkshire in the UK. I (Emilie) am married to the rather wonderful and (thank goodness!) supportive Stuart, and we have 3 young children, aged 9, 6, and 4. I decided to start this blog after a few enquiries from friends and acquaintances about what our parenting style is all about. I hope that writing about the peaks and pitfalls of our peaceful parenting journey will help others in a similar position - i.e. wanting to make changes to their parenting, but not quite sure where to start! It's very much an ongoing journey for us, and in no way do we claim to have all the answers, but we hope that reading about trying to support our children in a peaceful, responsive way that works for our family will perhaps inspire others to find their own path too.

And to all parents out there reading this: I hope this will be a mutually supportive resource. It is not intended to be a comment on any parenting style which is different from ours, rather it reflects what is working for our family and that which might be useful for others - the article I Am Not a Better Mother Than You says it better than I ever could! I fully welcome respectful comments and questions (e.g. in the vein of "I have found X works well for me" rather than "You shouldn't do it like that") - please try to avoid judgement of others when posting. I have no problem with my ideas being politely questioned, but if our overall parenting style is not for you, please do feel free to go and find other resources which are a better fit for you. Best of luck to everyone, as I know we are all doing the very best that we can for our children, no matter which paths we take!

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