Lord but I am tired. I had planned a full hour of work this evening, once the kids were finally asleep. But instead I'm here at my desk, writing by the half light of the computer monitor, watching the words flow from my pen onto the page. I haven't written like this for a while. I've written some useful stuff, some pieces meatier than others, but the flow hasn't been there - something has been keeping me back.
After our miscarriage a few weeks back, I've done what I can to keep moving forwards. Our first miscarriage this year also feels all too fresh still. I've sat with and through intense bouts of sadness and anger and longing. I have drifted with the vision of a future now so different to the one I thought - hoped - it was going to be. I have laughed and played and cried with my 3 beautiful earth babies, and with my outstanding other half. I've thrown myself, behind the scenes, into the work that lights me up. But the front-of-house persona has been notably - and understandably - absent.
But I thought we were doing ok. I thought that we were pushing on through. It's not like we hadn't talked and cried about it, and we both have amazing Listening Partnerships we can take these things to as well. And then in these last 2 days: the real, concrete realisation, the truth, that this baby too, is gone from us. I feel as if a hand is squeezing my throat, my teeth are clenched, my breath becomes shallow, my eyes begin to tear up - it can catch me any time. Any time.
More hurt, hidden stuff, bubbles up. There's support from my ever loving, ever listening husband. Sweet sweet solace from the hugs from my babies, my children, even whilst they are hurting too. Two intense cries. And of course it's still there - the crushing weight of this loss. Still there, but now it's nearer the surface, not stuffed away to enable me to focus on life's relentless chatter. Now I can really feel it, I can be with it. Where it will take me now, I don't know. But I do know this - I am not going to get any work done anytime soon. And that is just how it needs to be.